Friday, July 24, 2015

Peace Please

Every once in a while something blind sides you and rocks you to your core. This usually happens only once in a long while. But this year, its been one after another after another for me. This year, I have had so many things taken away from me. I'm not talking about poor planning on my part or a misuse of time and energy. I'm talking about the universe sweeping its big impartial hand across my table and snatching up the silverware, and then the plates, and then the glasses until I'm left sitting at an empty table. Many people, dear to me, are dead. Many people, dear to me, are dying. Many people, dear to me, have removed themselves from my messy life because it's hard to be with a person in turmoil.

I understand all of this as part of life's growth patterns - all rings in the tree trunk. But my old and practiced ways of moving through the world, and surviving it's blows, seem suddenly inadequate and even dated. My stomach is in knots. My tears are spent. And even those in close proximity to me are questioning my motives and my methods. This has been happening all year long. While I'm not hopeless, certainly, I am cautious. Caution - not usually something I employ. I feel shamed for allowing myself to be emotional and obvious. And I feel stupid for trying to share my life. I don't know what to do anymore except stand in one place, mind my children and make a peaceful nest.

I'm ready for this year of hurting to end. 


13 comments:

Dina said...

oh Sarah, this made me tear up. So much love and light to you, dear friend. I miss your face.

Anonymous said...

Oh, so sorry to hear that :(
Lacy, you rock. I never ever miss your posts. I folowed your Smaller Sarah journey too. You're awesome!!!
Please be kind to yourself. Self-compassion seems to be a key for all of us.
All the best for you and your family from Mexico City.

Piggy said...

Hi Sarah. I discovered your blog about a week ago and have been reading a lot of your old posts - some of which have moved me more than you can know. I am so sorry that you are currently going through a truly difficult time in your life. Of course the truth is that this is common to us all. I live in England and whilst I am not a royalist I think our dear old queen summed it up when she said "grief is the price we pay for love". Be true to yourself at all times and you will come through it. Carolyn x

NotesFromAbroad said...
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Chris Collinsworth said...

Sarah - I love you. Stay strong.

NotesFromAbroad said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NotesFromAbroad said...

I know how you feel and I am sorry . There will be times when you feel like you can't do another thing but lie down and maybe weep awhile. But there is strength hidden in there , deep inside and it will get you though .. I wish there was something that would magically make this kind of pain go away but the best thing I can think of is concentrating on whatever means so much to you that you have close to you and let the other stuff sort of float away .. Hang on to what is important .. the closest to you.. Move on. Every day the hurt is less .. sending love.

Anonymous said...

Long time reader - tranquilo Sarah! I'm often left exhausted by the gusto with which you embrace life, the determination to accept and deal with the challenges that come your way. Be gentle on yourself, things don't have to be perfect. I remember what first attracted me to your blog were the beautiful photo compilations of bohemian inspired rooms - warm, inviting, lived in - not perfect yet delightfully 'perfect' every way that really mattered.

As a reader, I'd love to see a bit of a return to this. Perhaps it would be a salve for you too. Just immerse yourself in the images, no need to explain. Or improve. Or master. Just be.

Kindest wishes.

Sarah Greenman said...

No - you're probably right. I should just stick to the pretty meditative photos. Thanks for your note. I appreciate your suggestions and honesty.

Here's a little something for ya: http://maisonboheme.blogspot.com/2015/07/saturday-comforts.html

Wendy said...

I know a bit of your pain. I lost my father very suddenly just a couple of weeks ago and with two more close family members suffering, I find myself dwelling on death and the universe' "big impartial hand" sweeping through my world as well. I'm sorry you're not feeling the support you need from those close to you. Please take good care of yourself and grasp every spare moment to nurture yourself. You're not alone out there. I'll be thinking of you in the coming days and weeks.
On a crazy, practical note, my favorite thing to do when my life is spinning out of control is to clean out and reorganize a drawer, any drawer! I guess it makes me feel like I have some control over SOMETHING!

Anonymous said...

Sarah, I'll clarify a little. Don't stick solely to pretty meditative pictures - your entire ouvre is why we're all here. But originally I was drawn to your eclectic eye, your curatorial finesse! It is an art to pull together disparate images and present thematically. Perhaps spoil us once a week or so with a totally dreamy spread - something to take us all out of the daily grind - we all need a gentle space to dream ;)

Kindest wishes.

Sarah Greenman said...

I understood your original comment and was touched by it. Thank you. I love that you reached out. And you were right. It was really soothing to look at comfy boho beds and dream for a moment about resting my head. xoxoxoxo

Thank you SO much for reading and for commenting.

Emily said...

I"m so sorry for you suffering Sarah. Step back, breathe. All you can do is your very best, and what's right for you. Don't put demands on yourself. Wish I could help some way, but all I can say is I care, and I hope the black cloud drifts away soon.